so i got my wisdom teeth pull of friday the 25 of september.

not a fun day.

it hurt the pain killers arent so great

and my cheeks are freakin huge and the swelling will not go down!!!AWWW!!!

but the one thing that made me feel better in this fabulous time is my friend

so i have a really big crush on my friend Gatlin.

he is way cute and the nicest guy alive.

so i was thinking i really wanted to ask him to the monster mash and i didnt think i would be able too.

but i finally got enough courage to send him a text..(i know i could have been more creatiove.)

but i was like 'hey, if you want to go to monster mash and dont have a date would you like to go with me??'

and not only did he say yes he said 'of course i would want to go with you, and we should go shopping for matching costumes.'

so next weekend when i recovor we are going shopping for our costumes and i am kind of nervouse to see what we end up getting.

but i was so shocked that he was so enthusiastic about it. 

 

ha ha even though i felt terrible and was puking my guts out and hurting but that made me feel so much better.

i think i love him more now...and i didnt think that possible.

 

i have noticed that over the course of my life i have not only changed physically and mentally but also i am a totally different person.

all that mattered to me was how i looked.  i wanted to be beautiful.  i wanted to fit in.

i was bleach blonde and rail thin...i starved myself.  i could barely make it up a flight of stairs i was so weak.

i listened to the music that i hated but it was what everyone else loved.

i was living my life in a box watching someone else take over my life.

i was so worried i would be considered a freak.  i wanted to be loved by all.

i became just another girl in the crowd. 

i lived to blend in.  i lived to be what he wanted to have.

he one of the most beautiful boys i had ever seen.

he had wild long shaggy hair.  he wore the nice clothes

he was a trend setter.  he looked different but on the inside he was like everyone else.

he made me want to fit in.

but i was never happy in that chase.

i was striving to be the head cheerleader. 

but the time passed and i started make more mistakes. 

i had messed up ways because my mind was set on that boy. 

finally i got to the point where i forgot why i even liked him. 

what was it i saw. 

but one evening i was with my new friends and then i believed.

i saw him.  the most amazing man alive.

he was beautiful in more than one way

a beautiful mind, personality, and he had me at hello.

he was the reason i wanted to fix my ways.

i was a sinner who fell in love with a saint...

i fixed my ways, he was my redemption.

but then my world came crashing in. 

this saint wanted something different

he knew who his angel was

he wanted her

and why wouldnt he, she was perfect. 

beautiful and a saint

they were together.

he was happy.

then she turned out to be a demon

she broke his heart

but he still had hope.

now this saint has another angel in mind.

the angel of the light.

and me. 

i found myself.

but i am still broken, but like a broken mirror i cannot be fixed without sacrifice

none have tried to fix me, none have been willing to pay the price

and now i live on.

broken heart and all.

i move through the night.

wishing to find redemption

but that is not possible

because of

hells angel.

 

 

**the pictures are of me before and after.

***i was diagnosed with anerexia nervousa

****i was 4'11" and weighed 60lbs in 7th grade(age:12) .

*****8th (age: 13) grade i was 5'2" and weighed 68lbs.

******now i am 5'5" and weigh 116lbs.   i had a long and hard recovory.

*this is a very poetic version of my story.

**and with recovery came self discovery.       

 

i am a sophmore( age: 16)  now, i am myself and very happy with who i am but i have my sad moments.

who doesnt.

dont blend in, be yourself...who cares if you stand out. 

 

dont be unhealthy just to try and impress people.  being too skinny and being someone else is not beautiful

 

just be happy.  live for today because tomorrow isnt promised.  and i dont know about you but i want to remember being me and having fun than being someone else and not having fun.

i had the best and worst day of my life yesterday.   it started out great.  we all had a blast but one small thing killed it, killed my heart and made me see that maybe i need to give up and just embrace everything. 

in utah there isnt much to do.

a very boring place to be.

my friend heard it was 2 for $20 at this water park and so we get a group together and go. 

we get in and find a place to set up our towels.

and the part i was most nervous about didnt really matter in the end.

i was going to this water park with my best friend, her neighbor who i have a crush on and his two friends.

we have fun and screw around.

he and i talk a lot and he was starting to make me think that he liked me the way i like him.

he tried to make me go on a slide i couldnt go on because i cant make it over the hill.

he pretended to push me into the pool...countless times...the saved your life thing.

he would look at me like he liked me.

 

but the end of that night...his friend brought up his new girlfriend, he has known me for a few months now and her 7 days. 

i am smaller than her.

i dont doubt that i am in better shape.

i am a lot cuter than she is...

but why would he choose her over me?

he barely knows her...

 

i am now grounded and trying to find something to do, so i decided to write about how i got grounded and the events that took place before which resulted in a black eye and my grounding. 

     Thursday::

i wake up to my mother jumping on the side of my bed, it is now 10 AM and i am going to be late for work.  i get a text from the guy that i like and he just happens to like me.   so i get up and go take a showerr and i dont have enough time to do my hair or make up and my mom is sitting in the car and honking. i get too work and work for a good 4 hours then i go home and try and make myself look ok because i am going over to my friend brianas house and we always end up chilling with guys.....some attractive and others not so much.  i get to brianas house and there is some guy waiting on her front porch with a big brown paper bag in his hands.  i call her phone and she comes to let me in and i just sit down and wait to figure out our plans for the evening.  the guy was the chinese food delivery guy and bri and her aunt ate then we walked over to Gatlins house(he is her neighbor who i kind of have a big crush on)  and we chill at his house for a while and then we go hang out with a few of his friends which, i swear they all like multipled of something because one minute it was a small crowd and the next there was like 30 people.  but we go to a park and chill on the playground, bri and i sit down on this thing that spins around and then Gatlin gets this smart idea to spin bri and i around really fast on it, so he gets it going way fast and bri and i are haveing a hard time staying on and she falls backward and accidentally kicks me in the face and i fall to the ground and we all just start laughing.  and Gatlin helps me off of the ground and then we all went over to the grass and they all start doing something while bri and i just talked.

 

then we all get in the cars and head up to grants house and meet up to go catch a dollar movie, and we drop by my house so i can grab some money and i tried to push my curfew so i could go to the movie and my parents got mad and grounded me.

 

FRIDAY::

today i wake up and i have the first stage of a black eye and i am pretty proud of how i got it.

 

THE END