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Caitlin

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"round here, something radiates.... Round here, we all look the same." Round Here, Counting Crows

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15 Sep 1998

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"There are those people that you just can't deal with. Then there are those people with qualities that might not be the greatest, but you love them anyways. Those ones we call friends."

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firefox_12 asked:

09 Dec 2010

I hate that I love him

I hate it and i hate him but i love him at the same time and it's so freaking confusing. It's confusing the crap out of me.... and yeah its the same guy as before; he just spins me around in circles and it's driving me insane!!!!! He's not going back and forth on the hate me love me thing anymore, but its almost the same thing. Sometimes he'll talk to me but wont even look at me in public... we still text a lot, too. He's such a bitch but i love him because of that and i hate the fact that i love him because i know i shouldn't and i have the feeling that i won't forget him for a long time, i'll still remember EVERYTHING about everything that happened. Somehow I think that some of you wonderful girls will know what i'm trying to say better than I do myself. Thanks :)

Answers

aud19822001

aud19822001 says:

Posted on 10 Dec 2010

I actually just got out a relationship that sounds somewhat similar to yours and I couldn't be happier!! A little background... I was dating a guy for 9 years, just got married (we had 2 kids together), and less than a year after we married I left him for Jason. Jason was actually 3 years younger than me, but I fell madly in love with him within a few short months. He was a 'bad boy'... I loved the way it felt to be in his arms. The way I felt when we kissed, there was ... fireworks. I can't explain it to make anyone understand, but it was what I would consider perfection. What I had always wanted. He made me feel amazing. After we were together for about 4 months, he asked me to have a baby with him. I thought he was crazy! He talked me into it... but, I 'loved' him sooo much and I just knew we would spend the rest of our lives together, so what was the harm of having a baby, right? While we were trying to get pregnant things got bad, and I should have realized it then, but I was blinded... He started getting crazy. I quickly realized he was over-jealous, controlling, and mean. It didn't matter. I loved him. He would punch holes in walls, destroy my purses, hold me down so I couldn't leave, broke 3 of my phones, 2 cameras, etc... I was 2 1/2 mo pregnant and moved out b/c he was so bad. I didn't want to go. In fact, we still talked every day and I would go and see him all the time, on his schedule, of course. I considered abortion b/c I knew, in my heart, he wouldn't be around for me or the baby. On the way to the clinic, I cried, the entire time (over an hour drive), while at the clinic, I cried, the entire time... Everything was set to go. All I had to do was see the psychiatrist, and I'd go in and have it done... I couldn't do and I didn't do it.... even tho I knew he wouldn't be around... I'd just do it myself. When I told him what I had almost done, he was upset. Said he'd never have forgiven me if I had done it. I explained why I went, and he promised he'd always be there for me and the baby... afterall, we made that baby, out of love. A few months later we were back together,and I found out while we were broke up (but always talking, he was always telling me he loved me and missed me) that another girl might be pregnant with his child too. I was devastated! (He also slept with a girl while we were together, before that, and I let him back in my life)... He said all the right things to keep me with him and I stayed. He'd go back to his other baby mama every few months, and leave me, bawling my eyes out... I loved him. I hated him, but I loved him. No matter what he did, no matter how much he hurt me, I stayed. Everytime I'd stay, I'd say it was the last time. Eventually, he snapped... destroyed my room in the apartment I rented (holes EVERYWHERE), he hit me, he choked me, he shoved me across the room (and when I fell back, my hand landed on our babies face)... I had had enough. I was done. So I thought. I let him come back a few more times... each time promising myself, it was the last, and I wouldn't let him back if he left again. I knew I deserved better. I knew he was a piece of sh*t... He didnt work (as a matter of fact, he sold drugs... which I hated, and we'd fight about, but nothing was enough to make me leave). This lasted almost 3 years... I'm not sure what happened really. He tried coming back again. I told myself, and him, that I was not going to be his fall-back girl for ever and that I deserved more than he could/would ever give me. He tried everything, all his old tricks, that I stupidly fell for, for so long. It didn't work. It still hurt knowing we wouldn't be together, I still loved him, and still do today.... but I hate him more. I'm stronger now than ever and I'm sorry it took so long to figure it out... I don't need him. I don't even want him. (although a part of me does, I know better) As for our baby, we made out of love... she's almost 2. He's been in and out of her life. I can count on one hand how many things he's bought her since she was born. I can count on one hand how many times he's had her stay the night. He has maybe seen her, 15 times in her life. He hasn't asked about her or for her in over 4 months. We had court for child support just this week. Now he wants to see her. I've given him opportunity, and more than enough. He lost his chance. But, now I know, almost 3 years ago, when I knew he wouldn't be around, I should have listened (I still wouldn't trade my daughter for the world, but I was right when I thought he'd be gone)... when I thought "I deserve better than this"... I should have listened. Sometimes our heart can lie to us and make us do stupid things... A friend of mine used to tell me, "you will be done when you are ready... and there is nothing or no one that can change that".... and she was right. EVERYONE told me I should have left, he was trash, I deserved better, etc... I just wasn't ready... but when I was, I think I broke HIS heart a little, b/c for once, I didn't give in and let him back in. I bet he misses me. I hope he thinks about me and how good I was to him... and I hope it hurts him every day for the rest of his life.

I think you sit back, and really think about it. You KNOW what you should do. Your heart is just telling you not to. I wasted 3 years of my life... don't waste yours.... But, like my friend said, "when you are done, you will know, and you'll be DONE." Good luck honey! I wish you the best!

rokkii

rokkii says:

Posted on 10 Dec 2010

I understand what you're saying. I've been in that place as I'm sure many people have. Since I've been there, I feel I have to be completely honest with you, and I know you probably won't like it, and you can take this however you want to. And if I'm wrong, you can yell at me all you want. Anyway, to me, it seems that whatever this feeling is, it is not love at all. I have been in this kind of "love" and I have been in true love. And yes, now it feels like love, but there's nothing to base that off of except the feelings you have for him. (which are a chemical reaction in your mind, and some psychological nonsensical s*** too possibly depending on how your relationship with your father is. If it's bad, I'd be willing to bet that's part of it)
I know it FEELS like you won't be able to get over him, but you will. I had a boyfriend for a year and a half and I hated him but I "loved" him. He cheated on me and constantly had things for other girls but I always forgave him, because I liked having him there. He was a total a**hole. COMPLETELY! And for that year and a half we were on again and off again over and over and finally he dumped me and I was just done with him. The next guy was exactly the same but worse because he cheated on me with my best friend. I stayed with him, and abandoned my best friend because I "loved" him. Some days he'd completely ignore me, not like I was a stranger, but like i completely just wasn't there. Then I started texting this guy, and we were just friends, both incredibly shy. We just asked questions back and forth for months. Literally texted all day every day and probably asked eachother at least 2000 questions. He was nice, interesting to talk to. We didn't agree on a lot of things, but he respected everything I said. He told me I was the most beautiful girl in school and finally asked me out. I'd known for weeks that HIM I truly did love. Not like I "loved" the first one or "loved" the second one. But I loved him as a person because there were TRAITS about him that made him perfect for me. THINGS i could name. A year and a half later, I am still head over heals for him, and fall more and more in love with him everyday. When you grow closer and closer to someone everyday, they treat you right, and you treat him right, you're completely honest with eachother in everything, and you know what makes you love him and want to be with him, and it acutally has to do with him, then you know you're truly in love. And if you don't like who he is as a person, there is absolutely no way you can love him.
My dad is a b***** and my guess would be you feel the same way or don't know your dad. Please, I understand I could be out of line, and please please forgive me if I'm wrong. But that would be my guess.
And as for what you should do about it, well, I suppose you should reply with your thoughts and feelings on this, and then I'll let you know based on that.

I'm terribly sorry if I've upset you at all. I give you permission to rip my head off if I've mispoken.

livife

livife says:

Posted on 11 Dec 2010

I know exactly how you feel! I went out with someone and they've been absolutely awful to me since he broke up with me, calling me allsorts :/ It's been like four months of arguing and verbal abuse... And yet I sometimes get the feeling like I just want to go up to him etc, but I think it's a sort of instinct thing like because you were used to it... Now I realise how stupid I was to get so hung up about a silly boy, and in the end if he doesn't treat you right then he's not worth it. Yeah some times you've got to try and fight but if its getting you aswell. I sometimes get a feeling like I love him, even though I know I hate him after everything and at one point it did feel like I would never get over him... But after a bit you will learn from the whole experience and just sit back and think 'why did i waste so much time on him' :) You need to do stuff what's good for you, and not let others bring you down, if you think something is going to make you happy then go for it as long as it won't let you down or upset you x

michelle_bby

michelle_bby says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

i hate it when they putt you in ahh situationn like that. i cannt tell you waht to doo , buhh if yuh ignore emm it might workk, hell b like thefxckk? annd ull grabb his attention juss dnnt lettem think ur onn his nutss. & if he acts like a bi*ch like u saaaid, why wuldd u like sumone who hass no respct fr u ?

rokkii

rokkii says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

You're a sweetie. Thank you very much. I hope everything turns out right for you. God bless you! Have a great break. Maybe that will be a great time for you to forget about this guy who's hurting you. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You're beautiful and kind, and you deserve someone who makes you happy. =)

firefox_12

firefox_12 says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

Well I'm glad you found your dream man at last, and hope you have a great life with him. Thanks for answering. Don't worry about it, it kindof slapped me into perspective. Haha, no, really. It was what i needed. Thank you.

firefox_12

firefox_12 says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

haha, it's ok, it slapped me into place. I'm glad you found your dream man at last. I wish you a good life with him. Thanks for your words and all, they helped. :)

firefox_12

firefox_12 says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

That's horrible, what he did to you. I'm so sorry.
You never deserved that. No one does, but the world's just a bitch like that. I hope he's hurting. Thank you for your advice, it has helped me straighten my priorities out more than you can imagine. God bless you and your daughter. Thank you.

firefox_12

firefox_12 says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

aww u flatter me. Thank you.

firefox_12

firefox_12 says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

Cause it's just like that. I don't trust him and he don't trust me but i love him BECAUSE he's a bitch and he always makes me laugh.... it's stupid, iknow.

firefox_12

firefox_12 says:

Posted on 12 Dec 2010

Yeah, I see your point and I'm sorry about what happened between you two.. you deserve someone way better, obviously, and thank you.

aud19822001

aud19822001 says:

Posted on 13 Dec 2010

Thanks doll! Wishin you the best!!

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