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baby_girl_ asked:

18 Oct 2011

English assessment :L

Lucy miserably opened the gate as she walked up the garden path scraping her heals and kicking the gravel as she arrived home from school. She threw down her polka-dot satchel next to the willow tree and slumped on to the tire swing hanging lifelessly from the branches. Twiddling her thumbs she thought to herself

“Why am I so bored, why can’t I have someone to play with instead of just sitting here, doing nothing in the world?”

“Tea’s ready!”

exclaimed her dad sticking his shiny, bald head out of the patio doors.

“Coming” she replied dismally.



Does this sound okay for my opening paragraph? Also have i got the speech things right, I havn't done much of this before :)

Answers

xxgeenalivelyxx

xxgeenalivelyxx says:

Posted on 18 Oct 2011

Write know I am in college so I can revise a few things for you :)
Lucy miserably opened the gate as she walked up the garden path scraping her "heels" and kicking the gravel as she arrived home from school. She threw down her polka-dot satchel next to the willow tree and slumped on to the tire swing hanging lifelessly from the branches. Twiddling her thumbs she thought to herself
“Why am I so bored, why can’t I have someone to play with instead of just sitting here, doing nothing in the world?”
“Tea’s ready!”
exclaimed her dad sticking his shiny, bald head out of the patio doors.
“Coming” she replied dismally.

This is very good! Just remember, "heels" :D

jackie_walsh

jackie_walsh says:

Posted on 18 Oct 2011

I think it's very good. You draw the interest of the reader. I immediately want to know what Lucy looks like. How does she dress? How old is she? that makes u want to read more which is what a 1st paragraf shud do. Some of your adverbs could be different. I'm not sure u open a gate "miderably" like maybe "Lucy opened the gate without thinking and shufled up.....She felt miserable as she did every day after school. Also maybe the swing could hand "sadly." That would build up the fact that Lucy is sad. The "shuffling" suggests she's sad and dreamy.
I also agree with Geena about "heels" and the way she lays out the dialogue.

Good luck. you'll do great.

purple714

purple714 says:

Posted on 20 Oct 2011

Yes, it's perfect. It caught my eye which is great. It talks about the main person if I'm not wrong. It gets you intrested and makes you want to read more about whats going to happen next. The words you used are good. I like how you described the dads bald head. Very good. I agree how to say heels. I would maybe put in Why don't I have a life. Also after she replied dismally I would do....... and skip to the next paragrah because it keeps the reader thinking. Hoped this helped. (":

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