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Published on: 27 Jan 2012 by renderella
People wouldn't guess it by talking with me, but I am in a serious state of depression. I have not been medicated, although I'm sure they would want to, but I wouldn't take it anyway. I am currently seeing a therapist for my issues, well actually I haven't talked to her yet so I can see her this semester (she is through my college).
What happened? : Well a lot! Relationship troubles, Home sickness, lack of true friends, and a feeling of not belonging. I have been unhappy for a very long time and I feel that with each day things get worse.
Why did it get this way?: Well I waited too long to get help. Now I am seriously almost in a state of panic. I cry a lot, I scream, punch walls, cut myself (less of this now), and I have many thoughts about dying. I don't want to feel the way I feel, but I do. These feelings are actually the main reason why my ex and I had to break up. I was crazy.
What is wrong with you? I push people away, I don't want them to get close to me, although all I long for is to be loved. I feel very strong connections to people, I'm very empathetic and once I become someones good friend it is EXTREMELY difficult to let them go. I hate being far away from friends and family. It's bad because i love to meet people, but the truth of the matter is I can't keep all of them by me all the time. Each person needs to live there own life and I know that, but I want attention. I want a lot of attention from one person. I want to be loved, feel loved, and give love. I haven't felt very loved at all and that's what's wrong.
When will you go to the therapist?: That is a good question....I'm not sure since I hate going. I don't want to talk to some lady about my problems, especially not someone who gets paid to do it. I have a long list of friends and I don't understand why they haven't been there for me. Then again....most of my friends have families now and I feel like I have been left behind almost. I have been passed up by weddings and babies. All of the party animals have settled down and little ol me can't even stop crying to open her eyes to see the world to find something better.
I'm sorry everyone, this post was more about getting what I needed to get out of my head out. If you have any comments or suggestions feel free to say something. I'm just going through a lot and have been for the past 4 years really.
I'm trying my best to stay away from cutting. I want my body to look great this summer so yeah...but sometimes I get very strong urges.....