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Published on: 14 Jan 2012 by renderella
First thing is first. Let me introduce myself: My name is Ren, Renderface, Renderella, Rendiferous, Rendacious, Renderoake.....those are just some of the many names people call me. You can call me whatever you like as long as it isn't cruel or used to punish me somehow. I am pretty much an open book and will let you know as much as you would like to know about me. I enjoy helping people. If you want to know more...just ask.
My life was changed about 3 months ago now. CHANGED? How, you ask!
Well I lost someone very dear to me. It was my boyfriend of 5 years.
Now you must know that I have only lasted about 6 months or less an any relationship.
Most of them were closer to 2 months.
Once I get close to people, I have a lot of trouble letting go.
Do you find this to be a problem after you get out of relationships?
I found that by making an agreement with ex's to remain friends that I always feel better.
I am friend with almost all my ex's. Although there are some who will not answer my calls any longer :-(
Once I fall in love I fall hard and I always end up hurting myself until I can't take it anymore.
This is not good ladies and gentlemen. Hurting yourself in relationships is a POISON!
If he cheats on you once he will do it again! And sadly I went through it 3 times with online people.
I loved him, so I stayed....because of this I now have major problems.
I have trouble putting my trust in people now, but I have always been proud of the fact that I start people off
with a clean slate. I can no longer do that.
Have you ever been so angry with yourself that you thought of hurting yourself?
Well I did just that. The first time i found out he was cheating I ran in the bathroom and cut my arm from my wrist to my elbow crease and just sat there watching the blood. He cried and I laughed....I finally opened the door because I am super sensitive to people crying.
The second time I did it was more recent....before i knew it was going to end I cut on my thighs. It's the part of my body I hate the most. I realized it wasn't me and he had me agree to go to therapy.
Have you gone to therapy because of a significant other before?
It is sad, pathetic, and absolutely sickening!!! I dislike it so much, but I know I need to be there.
The worse part is, is that she says I am mentally and emotionally unstable and I need to let her know if I feel like i can't take it anymore and if I start planning my death.
STUPID! Why would I tell her if I started planning my death? I wouldn't tell anyone!
Just so you know....I'm not. I'm trying to find the good in life because break ups are tough and this one is even tougher because we had lived together for pretty much 4 years of our relationship.
I even had lived with his mom and sister at one point, so I was really close to him.
When you have a huge break up that causes you to feel sick to your stomach to where some days you can't eat, you have trouble sleeping (I now have insomnia from not having anyone in bed with me), and you feel extremely unsafe....that is when you should seek help.
I realized that if I had gone to therapy before the breakup, I probably could have made things work out, but I couldn't even speak to him properly. I was hurt.....but I always tell my friends that you can't take the pain to the grave because then you can't enjoy the monster mash.
Yes, life is difficult, and yes even though I'm 23 I am still learning.
It is a huge process and everyone makes mistakes. You just have to get use to them and try and continue on in your life.
Just because I was with him for 5 years and now I'm not doesn't mean that I should give up living, go more insane, or be even more stressed. It means that I should forgive, give love elsewhere, and try and get my life together before I worry about a man.
If you can't take care of yourself, I don't think you should expect someone else to.
Yes, I still love him very much.
No, I don't know if I want to still have a relationship with him.
Yes, we did have a wedding date set, but no engagement.....
Yes, my heart hurts everyday when I wake up, go to work, shower, eat, do really anything because it reminds me of him
No, I do not believe in rebound relationships or Friends with benefits to ease the pain. These just sound like easy ways to push back the pain, but you just create a bigger blob of a mess.
I would love to have someone to hold, kiss, cuddle, watch movies with, game with, and go places with, but just because I want it so badly that I cry myself to sleep at night does not mean I should run to the first man who buys me a drink.
WOW....okay, that may have been too much about me for the first blog, but I guess it's okay...
Learning to <3 myself again.....