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Published on: 05 Jun 2012 by leily
I don't know how people discern between love and unhealthy obsession, not in a stalker way...c'mon -_-". But I have a boyfriend who I've been dating for a year and a half now, I love him so much and we've been through a lot together; especially in the past 6 months as I have been away at university. Being in a new, smaller city has been extremely difficult for me and has made any mental health issues I had before I left grow exponentially, I 've been so lonely, and that has made me more depressed and sometimes suicidal. This has caused a wear-and-tear in our relationship and I completely understand why, dealing with someone who is suicidal isn't easy. But I do wonder sometimes if we're so broken that we're beyond repair, we fight all the time and everytime I cry and tell him how shitty I feel (which is often), I feel like he doesn't even really care...especially because in September when I first started, he was so different, I felt like he felt my pain, he was so caring, attentive, emotional, and now I feel like I just get a wall, and it kills me inside.
But it gets a little more complicated because, when we aren't 5 hours away from each other (as we are now), he is that same man that I knew in September, but once we're apart, an eclipse happens and its back to feeling like no one understands me and that he doesn't care about me and that I should just die. I am really excited because he got into the school I currently attend, but I worry that at this point, I'm so weak and dependent on him, he almost dumped me two weeks ago (because of my sporadic emotions) and I couldn't stop screaming and crying, it was like I just died inside. I don't like that, I didn't hear him crying or in pain, I don't want to be the only one who feels so empty inside at the thouht of a break up. Mind you, he was the one who decided we shouldn't, but still I felt like I would have suffered so much more emotionally, and it terrifies me that he has that much control over me.
I don't know what to think about us, I am so excited for him to come but honestly? Is that all I have to look forward to in my school year? That doesn't seem healthy and it scares me, I feel like an annoying best friend sometimes when I text or call him, like I'm so excited to see him, but I feel like he's not as happy as I...I don't even know if that matters if he isn't as excited as I...I'm just so confused...I love him to death but I feel like I have crossed a boundary of love and I can't turn back now...its too late.
Does anyone have any opinions? Haha, I know that was long....