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Published on: 08 Mar 2012 by furnace
Id like to start out by saying that you may not get anything out of this blog of mine, but if you are bored and think you have guy problems, then you might read it..
As with some things when you are in school, this started my freshman year, on the first day. There was this guy, and he moved like an animal, I have never seen anyone else move like he does. Im going to say now that I almost always tell the truth, and am well known for it. Because I refuse to speak anything fake, I also see things for what they really are. My reading that I got from him was vulnerability. He was different, and I wanted him. While as soon as I saw him I knew I wanted him , I also knew in that one second that he would never ever want me back. That is hard for me, because I usually always get what I want. So began a slightly painful love, and it grew and grew and grew.
It was hard for me because I could have anyone out there if I put my mind to it, and the one person I actually like, even though he doesnt like me back, I can never have. It has been 18 months, and during that time, his habits grew on me even more. I loved how even though his hair was short, he wore a hairband on his wrist in case a girl ever needed it. I loved how he dressed, with a simlpe sweater, not sweatshirt, and nicely faded jeans. I loved how he walked, and laughed, and was so gentle with people; boys and girls.
As when a girl likes a guy, she tries to alter herself to fit his type, and I tried it out myself. I said."Well I get good grades, and Varsity in most everything I do, and have alright looks, so what in hell is the problem?" I tried changing my clothes, and wore the boring uggs and Northface and sparkly ass jeans, but I quickly grew bored with that and changed back to being me, seeing as how I dressed had no affect on him.
The thing that often kills me is that while I have always loved him , he goes for people who only see three things about him.
1. He is a new kid
2. He has a perfect bum
3. His big brother is, debatebly, one of the most gorgeous men in the school.
Why does he do that? I liked him before I saw his brother, his butt, and I at one time had been new to a school as well, so that had no appeal to me whatsoever.
Now this guy, had a not so pretty past, and he had gotten in trouble with the law once or twice. But you could never tell that by looking at him.
He gave up all bad things, for the most part, and devoted himself to sports. Once he did that, he stopped getting in trouble and tried as hard as he could to be good.
I remember back to study hall, he would not ever talk to anyone because he was religious about getting good grades. I was so proud of him, and it felt good, to know that he wanted to not be bad anymore, and he had resolved to do better. Looking back, I can see him starting, at 17 and as a sophomore, alongside his older brother. They were beautiful together, fluid and powerful. The radio announcer fancied the two of them, complementing their every move.
As the year wore on, I kept trying to stop loving him, and move on, but It couldnt happen.
During the summer, I fooled around to try and prevent myself from thinking about him, and nothing ever did the trick. I resolved that when I returned to school I would look the other way, but I was blinded, and he was in my frst class. I had a total relapse and once again felt faint when he was around.
halloween came, and as most people I went to a party. I don't go to parties much, I prefer dancing. Luckily for me this party was centered sround dancing, and I just said 'Fuck it' , and let it all hang out. I met tons of guys and dicovered my premature passion for clubbing that night. The very last guy I was with was a spartan, and my male friends told me he looked,'"Almost Hollister," which made me giggle. Now I don't know if you people who read this know what I am talking about, but he was a fantastic dancer, and as it turns out he also knows tango and blues and other types, so it wasnt surprising he was so good at this. He goes to the college and my head was literally spinning when I feft him to leave for the nght, it kinda felt like I was dance-drunk. Anyhow, my friend and I were waiting for a ride, when another of my friends comes over and grabs my hand, and pulls me around the side of the building to meet some guy. I was rude and sarcastic and bitchy, but it turns out that was a total turn on. When I first saw him, I thought 'weak' and 'sex'. Plain as that. Going to my friends house later that night my mind completely forgot about him.
A week or two later, I get a text from him, and it is most inappropriate at that. We end up talking and chatting until around thanksgiving, when he confesses his love for me. I knew by then that he did not do relationships very well, and that he was quite abit older then myself. When he first saw me I was wearing a button up shirt, with the littlest jean skirt you could possibly imagine, and cowgirl boots. My hair was long and had the natural party wave going on, while my make up was nicely smeared. I easily looked way older then I was, so he was not afraid to talk to me. I told him, when he started to get all romanic, that I did not want that, I just wanted, well..You know:) We were pretty much reversing roles at that point, because I was ready for it, and he thought he was too.
Our relationship evolved itnto a very warped one, lemme tell you something..Remeber when I said my original love was new to the school? Well this guy, is from where he moved form. As it turns out, they are best friends! The world is way to small. Knowing that I was not around all the time, I kinda of expected him to screw around alittle, seeing as we were kinda, in a way, fwb's. But I remember, right after christmas, we were talking on the phone, and he had been at some party the night before, and had made out with some girl. He claimed that the only reason he didnt have sex with her was because I was in the picture. Nice, thank you soo much baby..I told him I was mad, not dissapointed in him. My mind said "who cares?" But my heart whispered,"You do, stupid.."
At that very moment I knew my original thoughts about him had been true, he was weak, and sex oriented. So I built a wall around myself, and said it would keep me safe for when the day came when he no longer wanted me. For three more months we were warped together, and he would hurt me, then I would take him back. We played this game where we would tell eachother secrets, and when all out secrets were told to one another we would "really" be together. I saved my secret about my real love from him, because I wanted that to be the final test for him. He texted other girls from my school, and made them watch me. He told me I was his alone to text and call, and he would go through my phone to make sure I was being loyal. My parents and I got in so many fights about him, especially my Dad and I . We grew apart, me and Daddy, and he knew that.
We were in a particularly bad fight last weekend, and I had told him my deepest secret. He said he no longer wanted me, that I was fucked up and we lived too far away from eachother. I said in reply to that,"Your lying.Again. You might not want me back tonight or this year, but some day you will see me dancing with some guy I don't know looking like we are having sex, and you WILL want me to be yours again." He didnt believe me, said I was the one lying to him alll along. But I had entrusted him with a part of me, and he didnt agree with it, so it was his loss.
looking back now, it had been crazy, and I had always know this would happen. I did not cry like he expected me to, nor did I try to commit suicide, I just left him. FIVE hours later, he wants me back, claiming that he was sorry and would love me forever. I just said no. nope, not happening. I kept my word, and I felt stronger and more sure of myself then I had ever had in my entire life. We have not talked since that night, and I am glad of it. Because he will go for the girl he set to spy on me, and she will feel special. But i have a power over her that he had never anticipated; every single thing he would tell her, he had told me first. NOTHING he could ever say to her would be original, just reused words. Nothing separted her form me, and in 4 months she would be in the same position I was in.
So I cleared my mind of him, thanking him silently for all he had taught me, about myself and men. I was glad I did not let him affect me in the way my real interest did, beacuse if that had happened then I would have been devastated. Again second semester I had my animal man sitting in my class, and I told one of my friends what I thought of him, then she told him! I don't know how this will work out for us, all I am sure of is that I will always lhave a spot in my life for that stud, no matter what was to happen. I even wrote him a letter I will never send, here it is:
Everyone thinks I am beautiful, everyone except you. So I cannot wait for the day when you see me for what I really am, and ask me"When did Lil' Tild's get so beautiful?" Because I will be ready for you, and I will walk up to you, without shaking, look into your eyes and say to the face of my dreams,"I have always been beautiful, just never to you. And as for when? I became beautiful the day I stopped loving you." Then I will feel like smiling in victory, and smile I shall, for I no longer need you.
Until the day comes when he really sees me, I will want him, but I have pushed that emotion away.Sadly those emotions refuse to die, and push back against my will.
The monday after I left my fwb, another guy asked me out. I said hell no.
But, as things happen, the semester was in full tilt, and we had just received around ten new guys to our school, each my grade or older, and I had the good fortune to be seated next to one of them in math.
Although he is no hollister, no animal, no shy boy and no sex maniac, he as well has grown on me.
Its not the love at first sght thing like it was the first time, but he is chill to sit with, and seems REAL. You know when you find people you dont have to pretend around, and they make you laugh? Well he does that, so I think he will have a good influence on me. I told you this was a long and boring paper, but if you managed to complete the whole thing, thanks for doing so. Please comment:) Men do suck, but no matter how much they suck you still manage to love them, it is our one downfall.