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Published on: 16 May 2011 by brooklynthegreat
I'm seeing that losing weight is a trend now.. I used to obsese over weight untill it leaded me to a eating disorder.
Losing weight isn't a bad thing unless you take it to new extremes. I just hope these girls do not get sucked into the life of and eating diosreder that I still sometime relasp into. Eating disorders are horrible and has ruin every aspect of my life.
I've always had a hint of an ED even when I was young. It started out when I was about in the 2nd grade. I vividly recall lifting up my shirt in the mirror, looked at my fragil bones sticking threw my pale skin and saying tomyself,"You're not skinny if you can't see your bones." It's disturbing that I thought like that. I've always obsesed over my weight even though I am naturally skinny...I'm never skinny enough I thought in my head. I used to skip meals at school and would come home very day with a hunger headache. I used to be afriad to eat in fear of over eating.. I then remember going threw a period of time about 5th grade where I started to throw up my food. I never really do know why I am like what I am. I guess I was looking for an Idenity for myself because I felt so lost. I wasn't a happy child since my dad was never home due to working. I remember my sister crying for her daddy night after night. Then there was where he cheated on my mother and I would come home to fighting of my parents..screaming, crying, and more screaming. There wasn't an escape and mentaly messed me up. I don't want to be fat because my dad as type 2 diabeties. He's almost died of it a few times.. He had to stay in the hopsital countless times... Speaking of hospitals, I've almost died once because I had a bladder dease and I was placed in a hospital over 12 times in one year, i had to get painful test, and I have to get surgry which fail. So many things contriuted to my ED.
My ED just got worst and worst over time. I soon couldn't focus on anything and I felt dizzy all the time. Trying to reject the food my friends were shoving at me just made it worst. I soon became fully indulge in it in my 8th grade year. I wouldn't eat for days and my whites of my eyes would turn yellow. I used to look up thinspiration and everytime I saw a extremely skinny girl I got jealous, and ran a few miles. I pushed my body to the extremes to the point where I had to go to the doctors and I had a dangerously low blood pressure. I wish I never started it because having an ED took over my life. I had no time for friends and I was so unfocused! My lowest weight was 94 pounds. Now I weigh about 112, I'm 5'5" and 14. I'm still caught up in this mess.. A few weeks ago my boyfriend told me I was getting a belly(jokingly) and it triggered it. In all seriousness he said i maybe gain 5 or ten pounds and that he didn't remembered my legs that big..That triggered it again. It's so hard and a horrible addiction!! It's sick how everyone makes comments about this anerixic girl at my school and in my mind i envy her. It's sick how I think 400 calories is a lot. It sick how when I look in the mirror all I see is fat at my 112 pound body! It's sick how I go on tumblr and look at all the skinny people. I actually made my own page on tumblr.. it's called fantasyinc.tumblr.com.
I hope no one has to go threw what I do. Did i mention how it is so depressing that I used to cut myself because of it? I have some diary entries from some days.. Here some are:
Fri | 8.08.10 | 06:27am
Times have been so tough for me. This time its not about boys...its about me.
in health we are learning about bulimia and anerixica. Everyone looks at this subject as gross and thats why no one at this school feels how i feel...I pretended to be discuisted but this intruduced me to my old intentions. It opened up unhealed wounds.
They were so skinny..so..idk
but i was fasinated
i thought i was sorta skinny..105 pounds
and they weighed 87. Im not as skinney as i want to be..If I could be 95 pounds again..Then I would be better...and feel better about myself. I wouldnt let this get out of hand anyways.
And if I want to be a model then i have to be skinny..way skinnier than I already am.
No one gets me.
Yes I know the bad things about it but I dont care. Its worth it... Nothing feels as good as skinny is. So I am going to start a sport..start eating less and better..and start..well yah.
And when I get to my dream weight I will just keep exercising and eat a little better.
Fri | 8.28.10 | 06:30am
Its near the end of the day but I am going to start anyway..You have to start at some place. So I ate a lot today and i tried to go . It didnt come out much but as I contiuned it got a little better..my throat sorta feel bad and i feel like a complete mess.. I cried.
But it will pay off in the end so Im not stopping anytime soon. Its my mission. I looked up some help on google and I figured out that if you chugg 3 bottled waters fast it will help..but it doesnt for me so im going to drink a glass of water and..go.. and also you chew tums afterwards. and if you drink water before meals you feel fuller faster.
Wed | 12.09.10 | 04:05am
Darkness consumes me and fakeness becomes me. Ive lost myself. Im not sure who I am anymore. Ive been pretending sooo long that Im not sure who i really was. I want to feel that freedom i used to have. Instead, in fear that people will really see me...Ive created lies to fool them and now i dont know where the lies end and the truth starts.
SO PLEASE KNOW YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE LOVED. AND IF YOU EVER NEED ANYONE TO BOOST YOUR CONFIDENCE, I'M HERE FOR YOU <3